i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
