and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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