I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
