I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...