i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.