My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT