Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
