is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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