dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
