Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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