I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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