this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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