nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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