Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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