my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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