my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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