Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
