Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
