I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
