Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Let's get the cat blown out
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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