Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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