I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
