Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
