I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
dude. I can hear the air.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
