I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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