Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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