if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
