Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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