I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
