is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
In America we eat man semen.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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