I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
