I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
