Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
