my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
either way he was missing a nipple.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
