Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
