just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
