I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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