I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
