SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
