I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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