I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
