my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
