Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
