I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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