i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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