i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My bed smells like the plague
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
