i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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