I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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