How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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