all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
