he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
