he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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