in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
