wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
