a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
