where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
