I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
