Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
