don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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