I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
