I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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