how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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