i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
