Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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