Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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