oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
