Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
