I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
