we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
